


The Mask We Live In

by Triphawkins



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Werewolf, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-03
Updated: 2020-06-26
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:47:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24523330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Triphawkins/pseuds/Triphawkins
Summary: Rey thought Kylo Ren had just been a bad dream...
Relationships: Kylo Ren & Rey, Kylo Ren/Rey, Kylo Ren/Rey/Ben Solo, Rey & Ben Solo, Rey & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 1
Kudos: 19





	1. It Begins

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first time I've posted anything I've written, ANYWHERE. Please be gentle with me, but I would love to hear any feedback!

**Chapter One**

He was so beautiful. She couldn’t believe this was happening. He finally understood what she’d known for three years- that they belonged together. His body seemed to fit her body like a glove. Like they had always been designed to share each other like this. His arm was casually draped around her on the couch as the party raged on around them. His curls were perfect, his eyes soulful and mischievous. She'd always loved his eyes. They saw through anything. And now he saw her. Poe Dameron, captain of the lacrosse team. He was absentmindedly stroking her bare arm like a lover, drunkenly speaking with the group that had settled around him. People always orbited around him like the sun.

Drinking was  _ amazing _ , Rey decided. She was invincible. Thanks to the five beers and two shots of rum she’d had earlier, she had had the courage to flirt with him, beyond the casual friendship they’d had previously. She’d touched him more often, and for longer. He noticed, and responded in kind. The thought exhilarated her. It was like a fairy tale. A novel. He’d finally seen her differently, after three years of waiting. Now, their relationship could begin. She leaned up against him with a surge of gratitude, feeling his warmth, feeling the warmth in her blood from all the beer. She could feel her cheeks were rosy, but she didn’t care. This moment was perfect. Poe glanced over at her and their eyes met. He grinned at her, eyes crinkling in the corners, and tweaked one of the three buns in her hair affectionately. The gesture was so familiar, she couldn't help but grin back at him. If she felt this good with five beers and two shots of rum, she would probably feel even better with another beer, she reasoned. She got up and offered to grab the people sitting around the living room another drink, and staggered off to go get them.

It was an old house, all cherry wood paneling and peeling floral wallpaper. The yellowed linoleum floor in the kitchen made horrible sticking sounds with every footstep as she made her way through the sea of sweaty bodies toward the refrigerator. She opened the door and leaned down to peer inside, squinting a little and using her grip on the handle to keep her balance.

"Rey- hey!" a nervous voice came from behind her. She startled, springing upright. It was that kid from her algebra class- Beaumont, she thought his name was. He always seemed to try to catch her eye when their old hippie Algebra teacher had them break out in groups to work on assignments. She always worked very hard to avoid it.

"Oh hey!" she said brightly, with more enthusiasm than she felt. She wasn't one hundred percent sure that she wasn't mixing him up with someone else, so she avoided using his name, just in case. She moved to walk past him, eager to rejoin Poe. The thought of being away from the group for too long gave her a slight pang of anxiety- like they would forget that she was ever part of their circle if she was out of their sight for an extended period of time. Like Poe would forget her, forget them.

"You're in my algebra class, right?" Beaumont said, attempting nonchalance and failing miserably.

"Yes, Beau...we've partnered together at least a dozen times," she said., too polite to roll her eyes, even drunk. She felt a little embarrassed for him.

"Right, I knew you looked familiar..."

Rey couldn't help but let out a snort. She slapped him on the back a little too hard as she walked away.

"Enjoy the party!" she yelled over her shoulder. She smiled to herself as she started making her way back to the couch.  _ Poor guy,  _ she thought.

Her smile faltered as she approached the back of the couch. Everyone was gone. She felt her chest tighten. Frowning, she looked around the room. Then she heard the smacking noises. Moving around from the back of the couch, she saw them. The image burned itself into her eyes, her brain. Zorii Bliss was on top of him. They were making out sloppily. She didn’t even realize Zorii knew who he was. She didn’t even realize Zorii was  _ at _ this fucking party. Zorii wasn't the type to be at any high school party. She rode a motorcycle to high school, for fuck's sake. She never spoke to anyone at school. Rumor had it that she had a boyfriend in college.

Rey's throat constricted painfully and she realized she was staring. Hot tears started to sting her eyelids. She wanted to touch him, to shake him. Surely he didn’t realize...he must not realize that Zorii wasn’t her. He was drunk! She was only gone for a few minutes! She couldn’t bring herself to speak. Eventually, he opened his eyes and saw her standing there. He didn’t even have the decency to look disturbed at the sight of Rey standing in front of them, mouth open. He gave her a look that said, “can you believe it?” before Zorii pulled his face back to hers and he was gone again.

Icy hot shame dripped down her spine. She had thought...he had been stroking her arm, letting her lean against his warm body...tweaked her hair affectionately, like she was already his... She ran then, unable to contain the floodgate of hot tears, panicked that someone would see.

Faces blurred past hers as she stumbled her way out of the party, keeping her eyes as wide open as she could to keep the tears from falling. She looked crazed. She thought a few people she pushed past looked at her with sympathy, but her vision was blurred from the alcohol and the tears swimming in her eyes so she couldn't be sure. She made it outside, feeling like she couldn’t breathe, completely out of control. A sob tore its way out of her throat. Shame burned her insides. She had been so foolish. She groped her way along an alley toward a park she’d seen as she’d made her way to the party, fingers trailing along the rough bricks on either side to keep herself steady. All she knew was that she needed infinite space. She couldn’t breathe. She needed more air. The world felt so crowded. She stumbled faster. 

The alley eventually gave way to a small park with a basketball court lit by one moth-ridden spotlight. The rest of the world was so black that it might as well not exist, Rey thought. She made her way toward it with an unsteady gait, falling to her knees on the concrete once she reached it. Rey held on to the blessed cold ground with hot fingers as the world spun around her and tried to steady her breathing before she passed out cold.

A quick mental image of Zorii and Poe curled around each other flashed behind her closed eyes before she could stop it. The worshipful look he had given Zorii when he’d opened his eyes, before he saw Rey- how his eyes practically skidded over Rey in his haste to fix them on Zorii again. Like she was nothing. 

Maybe she  _ was _ nothing, she thought, feeling the dam holding back her emotions begin to crack. Maybe Unkar was right. The acid in her belly flared and the dam broke. Another round of sobbing shook her. She thought she heard footsteps, but was too drunk to care, too hurt to do anything but cry, clutching at the concrete like it was the only thing keeping her from being carried away with the river.

And then the devil on her shoulder stepped out of the shadows.

“Rey.”

Her crying instantly quieted when she heard her name. Her entire body quieted. She knew that voice. She hadn’t heard it since she was a little girl, but the deepness of it felt like it was vibrating in her bones. She whirled to face Kylo Ren, hastily wiping tears off of her face.

The sight of him cut off any venom she had thought to spew. He looked exactly the same. Like he had stepped right out of her nightmares. His black hair arranged artfully as it ever was, no matter what he did. His eyes looked black in the darkness, looking at her so earnestly. Always so serious. She felt his gaze burning a hole through her. She pushed herself up to standing as quickly as she could, stumbling a little. 

“You,” she said quietly, stunned. It was all her brain could produce. Suddenly an anger flooded her body, whose origin she was too drunk to question or filter. “You don’t get to be here!” she yelled, nearing hysteria. Rey stomped toward him, no idea what she was saying or why. She was too drunk to care. This was all a dream anyway. “YOU DON’T GET TO BE HERE!” she pushed him once she got close enough. He let her push him. He was so solid, it felt like pushing a stone. He didn't even take a step back. She felt dazed. This couldn’t be happening. He couldn’t be here. This was one too many painful stings. This was a dream. She continued her tirade anyway.

“You left me too! You LEFT me. You said you were coming back and then you NEVER CAME BACK. I HATE YOU.” She pushed him again. He let her.

She hadn’t seen him since she was ten. Four years of doubt, of being told to stop making things up. When others insisted he was just a dream, she'd begun to believe them- the man who visited her at night and whispered stories into the darkness until she fell asleep. When he would leave, the ritual was always the same.

"Don't go," she would mumble sleepily.

"You could always come with me," he would reply. She would laugh lightly with her eyes closed, fighting to stay awake. 

“Don’t go,” she would say again, as if his answer would change. She could always just catch him saying “I’ll come back tomorrow” before losing the battle and dropping in to a dreamless sleep.

Rey blinked the memory away. Angry tears threatened again. She was a mess. Thank god this was a dream. She let her anger rise up again, exulting in the simplicity of feeling the rage and letting it loose into the world. No filter. No second thoughts. 

Rey tried to push him one last time, but Kylo caught her hands. She tried to wrench them free, but he held her tightly. “Let go of me!” She shrieked, completely out of control now. “Let go!” She bared her teeth and began fighting him violently, attempting to claw him anywhere she could reach, but his hands were enormous and he kept control of her easily. She’d forgotten how big he was. 

Suddenly and without warning, all the fight went out of her. She dropped to the ground, and he went with her, just barely catching her under her arms to keep her from cracking her tailbone on the dirty concrete. She felt boneless with shame. No one wanted her. Everyone left her.  _ Unkar was right. Unkar was right.  _ The words repeated themselves over and over again in her mind, wringing her tears out, muscles clenching with the pain. Suddenly she felt his hot breath in her ear. She startled, some part of her was still too drunk to keep track of her environment, and she’d forgotten that he was there.

“I know that your pain feels like an animal trying to claw its way out of your chest right now,” he said softly. Her hysterics got quieter in her effort to hear what he was saying. “I know it’s unbearable.” Fresh sobs tore their way out of her throat. “I know a way we can let the beast out. I know how to take the pain away.”

She stilled, feeling the tight throb of pain in her throat, in her belly, in the rigid muscles of her neck, everywhere. It felt like it would swallow her alive. “How?” she asked weakly, defeat in her voice like she had already given up.

“You know how,” he replied softly. “You could always come with me.” His last sentence didn’t make sense in context, but she knew it for what it was. An echo. She knew he was a bad man. She knew it was wrong. She knew there was a reason she had never agreed to go with him as a girl. She looked him in the eyes for the first time. His dark hair was longer, down to his shoulders now. How funny it was for imaginary friends to change, she thought. He should have looked the same. But his face did look the same- clear dark eyes, strong brow, sensitive mouth. Big. Always the same. He took in her silence, and her examination. “But you have to say it.”

As another wave of pain began lapping at her ankles, threatening the tsunami that was coming again, she felt like she was being strangled. She sighed shakily. She was dead anyway. She was out of control anyway. It didn’t matter now, whatever happened. Her life was over. The dreams she had for a future with Poe were over. They were her only dreams, really, although she hadn’t noticed until they were stomped in to oblivion.  _ Pathetic _ , she thought. She looked up into his eyes again. It all felt so inevitable.

“I want to go with you.” 

A violent shiver ripped its way up his spine, eyes rolling to the back of his head. Convinced he was having a seizure, some of her drunkenness abated sharply as she reached out to catch him, thinking he was about to fall. He shoved her violently away and bellowed like an angry, dying animal. She fell to the ground, catching herself on her forearms, skinned knees stinging. And then, PAIN. Pain like she’d never experienced before, right where her neck met her shoulders. Pressure like she was caught in the jaws of a bear trap. She felt her body being shaken violently and a weight coming down to bear on her. It was the last thing she felt before passing out.


	2. Chapter 2

Rey woke with a jolt of adrenaline to an empty room. Realizing she was alone, she allowed herself to relax and take in her environment. Her first impression was gray. Gray blankets, gray carpet, gray walls. Whether they had all started out gray was anyone’s guess. Based on the layers of dust and dirt smeared on the walls, she thought not.

There was, however, an attempt to spruce the place up. A single green and purple succulent sat on a worn wooden bench that served as the bedside table. Rich gold embossed maroon volumes lined the built in bookshelf across from her bed, an aging gold four poster with worn white sheets and a gray quilt that looked like at one time it had been maroon also. She ran a hand over the material- soft from age and frequent use. Clean. An unlit wax candle in a glass container on the floor on the other side of the bed. The room smelled like it had been cleaned recently, despite its well worn appearance.

Rey didn’t move for a long while as her mind slowly came online and tried to catch up with what had led her here.  _ Kylo. _ Her stomach sank. As if on queue, a headache came throbbing at her temples.  _ Beer,  _ she remembered.  _ Poe. Oh god, Poe. _ she ran her hand across her grimey mouth and lost the battle with shame as the rest of the night unfolded before her. She groaned and covered her eyes. 

A sharp knock on the door startled her sharply and she threw the covers back, not saying a word. Maybe whoever it was would go away. She hadn’t even tried the window to the left of the bed yet to see if she could escape. Stupid. Stupid. She should have been focusing on escape but instead she was worried about the cute boy in her algebra class. 

The old chipped golden door knob turned slowly, the wooden door pushing open with an anguished creak. It was Kylo coming to finish the job, she thought. She knew it was. 

Surprisingly, a short woman with brown pants, boots, and an army green shirt with low pigtails backed into the room. When she turned around, she had two chipped green coffee mugs in her hands. She had a bright, round face, dark eyes, and was beaming at Rey. 

“Hey, I’m Rose! Sorry if I scared you. I was just anxious to meet you!” Rose said happily, She handed Rey a mug. Rey took the warm mug gratefully, wrapping both of her cold hands around it hoping it would warm her up. 

“I’m sorry...I don’t want to be rude…” Rey stuttered, “but...where am I? How did I get here? I know I was drunk last night and I....do you know Kylo Ren?” she finished weakly. She knew she was hardly making any sense, but her mind was jumping around so quickly that she could barely keep up, especially with the pounding headache.

“Oh! Yeah,” Rose chuckled, settling herself into a dusty old velvet chair Rey hadn’t noticed before in the corner. Rey pulled the covers off of her legs to sit up indian-style. 

“Sorry, I got kind of ahead of myself.” She pushed a stray strand of black hair behind her ears nervously. “You’re at Grimtaash House, where we all stay,” she began. Rey took a small sip of the black coffee from the mug and waited for Rose to continue. She could almost feel the caffeine smoothing away her headache. 

“Who is ‘we’?” Rey finally asked, when she saw Rose’s eyes dance with uncertainty around the room, unsure of what to say next. 

“The whole pack!” Rose offered cheerfully, her smile faltering a little when she landed on Rey’s face, which was slowly draining of color.

“Oh...oh okay...I thought Kylo…” she blushed deeply and looked at the floor. “I’m so sorry. Please don’t worry, I’ll be right back…” she mumbled as she stood up and all but ran out the door.

As the door closed with a resolute click behind Rose, Rey’s hand went up to the achy space where her shoulder met her neck. It felt red and inflamed and got worse when she touched it lightly with her fingertips, exploring. Panic sang through her veins. She had a wound there- it felt like dried blood. What on earth had happened? She stood up, searching around the room for a mirrored surface to check out the wound. Her eyes flicked past the small, square window and then quickly fastened back on to it.  _ Idiot _ , she thought. She lunged for the window, suddenly full of adrenaline. She doubted Unkar would even blink if she didn’t come home, she thought. He always told her she’d probably end up dead in a ditch anyway. 

Fingers shaking, she scrabbled at the bottom of the grimy window in an attempt to push it up. It wouldn’t budge. Pressing her hands flat on the glass, she attempted to push up from that angle. When that didn’t work, she took a deep, shaky breath. All of the survival shows she watched called panic was a death sentence. She tried to slow down, and make note of what she saw. 

The window looked small, but she thought she could fit through if she could somehow remove the glass. Twisting around, she reached for the sheet from the bed and started to wind it around her hand while taking note of anything else that could be important. Worse case scenario, she could jump. Through the dirt built up around the glass, she could see a grassy yard only a few meters down. A broken ankle would be better than whatever was going on here. Finishing with her makeshift hand wrap, she reared back in what she hoped was the appropriate stance to punch out the glass.

“I don’t think you want to do that,” a deep voice rumbled from behind her. He’d snuck up on her again. Her heart skipped as she turned around, steeling herself to face the poster boy of her troubled youth. He stood there in all black, as if in character. Black jeans, black long sleeved shirt pushed up around his thick forearms. Jordans, she thought. He was wearing  _ Jordans. _ His hair was long and hanging artfully around his face. 

“What did you do to me?” Rey asked defiantly, hand raising to her neck to feel the puckered scabs there. “And where am I?”

“You’re a part of the pack now,” Kylo shrugged. “And you’re at Grimtaash House.”

“What  _ pack,”  _ Rey snapped, baring her teeth. Whether in rage or fear, she didn’t know. Like most things, it was probably both. “That tells me nothing.”

A silence descended between them as she waited for a satisfactory answer. 

“Unbelievable,” Rey finally said, when it became clear he would not be giving one. She blinked rapidly and shook her head. “Unbelievable.” She pressed her back against the wall and slid down it, suddenly boneless.

“...and now all these years later,” she muttered to herself, “after all the shit I went through trying to erase you from my memory...like you were a hallucination, suddenly here you are.” Hysteria, her old friend, rose to greet her again. 

“And not only are you a real, ACTUAL person, YOU OBVIOUSLY BELONG TO SOME CULT.” She began to flap her hands wildly.

“No...no...I can’t. This is too stupid. Please take me home,” she begged, last sentence coming out as more of a whine than she would have liked. Kylo moved further into the room and sat down on her bed, like he belonged there.  _ I guess he does belong here, it’s his house _ , Rey thought distantly, somewhere on the edge of her panic. Kylo snorted in response to her tirade. He let the silence descend around them, focusing his gaze on the middle distance. Avoiding. Rey was able to catch her breath and began to feel a little self conscious of her evident distress.

“Why did you never come back?” she finally asked, voice strained. Such a stupid thing to be concerned about in this situation, she knew, but it came out anyway. And knowing how stupid it was only made it worse. Hot tears began spilling down her red cheeks and she tried to brush them away hastily, embarrassed. Kylo’s alarmed glance darted back up to her at the anguished sound of her voice. Noting her tears, he blew out a deep breath and got up as if to go to her, but stopped when she took a step back. 

“I never left.” Kylo took another hesitant step toward her, crouching down to look carefully into her eyes. She recoiled from the intensity and he jerked back from her as if burned. “Forget it,” he spit out childishly. “I see now I should have never done this. I should’ve never brought you here.” He turned abruptly as if to leave.

“Then why did you?” she asked weakly. He stopped for a moment in acknowledgment of her question, then walked out of the room, door slamming behind him. Rey jumped to her feet and ran to the door, not done with the conversation. It was locked. She rattled the old door with all of her might, then began banging her fist on the door. 

“Come back!” she yelled, furious. “You can’t just leave me in here!” She continued to bang in the hopes that she would eventually break the ancient door down. “Come back!” she screamed again, panic rising. 

A little voice in her head chimed in, unbidden.  _ They always leave. _


End file.
